I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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