Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
