I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
