No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
