May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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