A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize