im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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