Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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