Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
