i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
