Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
