just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
