Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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