when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
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