so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize