you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
