ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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