I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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