seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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