It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
