Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
