I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
