Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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