I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
