Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
