IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
