i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
