i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I understand Curling. That high.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
