It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
