i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize