sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize