There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
