Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
