I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize