The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Did we literally take a cab across the street
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just want nice things and good sex
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
