Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
