I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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