remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
