The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
