dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
