I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
