Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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