Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
