I'm sorry my penis didn't work
where does the pee come out of this thing
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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