and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
