I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You dont lie about slip and slides
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
