i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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