did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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