Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
