WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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