What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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