I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize