hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
