Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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