We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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