i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I could fuck to npr.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
