Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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