I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
