Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
