So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Randomize