He kissed a someone with a penis
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
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