i jhust puked up my retainher.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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