I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
