it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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