Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
