there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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