i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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